The Global Citizen's Guide To: London Transport (part 6)

Euphemisms:

The privatization of national rail and the London transport system have brought certain noticeable changes (note that improved service, value for money, faster travel etc. are not among these....). Some of these are welcome, at least in principle, e.g. a passengers' charter; some are not, e.g. never-ending engineering works (allegedly these never used to happen, which is why they're needed now), spiralling fares, a ridiculous array of ticket choices (see Part 2) and, most interestingly, euphemisms.

Euphemisms, like sliced bread, must be great British inventions. I imagine it's the British equivalent of saving face, which presumably explains why an increasingly corporate transport system feels compelled to use them constantly. Why say it like it is, when you don't need to say it at all? Here are a couple of my favourites:

1. "Operational difficulties", e.g. (and you must imagine a computerized pre-recorded message here) "I am sorry, to announce, that, the o-8-19 train to, London Waterloo, has been cancelled, due to, operational difficulties."

The "operational difficulty" is, of course, the master, all-encompassing euphemism, which can be used to cover any eventuality. After all, getting up in the morning is an "operational difficulty" as far as I'm concerned. I imagine some fat cat consultant must have been paid a healthy sum to come up with that one. Despite its broad applicability, however, it tends to be used mostly for situations in which they can't get the train doors to close.

2. "Passenger action", e.g. "Passengers on platform 4 awaiting the 18.33 train to Guildford: please note that this service is being delayed on its inward journey due to passenger action at Clapham Junction."

"Passenger action" might evoke scenes of anarchy and revolt as a result of intense passenger dissatisfaction, but in fact, it means that some poor soul has committed suicide by jumping on the tracks. So this is perhaps a welcome euphemism after all.

More on euphemisms in due course. But please let me know if you have others to report on!

And a sheep in a Santa Claus hat....

On the first day of Christmas......

Three-hundred-and-sixty-five insults, one Vietnamese coffee filter, 210 grams of handmade chocolates, 70 cookie recipes, 12 baklavas, 2 bags of home-made chocolate/fruitcake goodies (with an IKEA reindeer), 1 mahjong mat, 1 cast aluminium non-stick saucepan, 1 non-slip saucepan rest, JAPANESE STEEL!!!, 1 set of oven mits, 1 digital scale........

the self checkout...

In her latest book, Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of Everyday Life, Lynn Truss presents a zero tolerance guide to modern manners (or lack thereof). The book is mostly a rant about the insufficiencies of modern-day social interactions, but there is, at heart, some thoughtful analysis of how technology (among other things) has changed the manner in which we relate to our environment. In the chapter entitled Why am I the one doing this?, she decries the corporate use of technology to shift increasingly more work onto customers while simultaneously shunning ever more responsibility towards them. Think online banking, automated call management systems etc.

It was thus with great disgust that I recently patronized a branch of Sainsbury's Central (one of those that doesn't so much sell food as plastic with perhaps an apple attached if you're lucky, that doesn't so much charge you for ingredients as for the cost of processing them into something that you're made to believe you have neither the time nor skill to do yourself for half the price). Having picked up my two packets of pasta, I despaired to discover the length of the checkout line. I despaired even more at the fact that only 3 of the 14 checkouts were actually staffed. And then I spotted it....

The self checkout.... this, apparently, is the principle. Why queue? Take your shopping, for which you've diligently rummaged around in our store, scan it yourself, run up the bill yourself, process your own payment, bag your own groceries. It's so convenient! Meanwhile, all I could think of was "Why the hell should I be the one doing this?" Just because your stupid store is too tight to employ enough staff, I should do even more of the work myself and still pay the same price? Not to mention the absurdity of having to stand there in front of everyone scanning your own goods while the stupid machine goes: "89 p, 1 pound 72 p. Please scan your credit card now. Thank you for using Sainsbury's self checkout. Goodbye."

"Screw that", I thought. Out of sheer indignation, I opted to queue for 10 minutes for a staffed checkout. I figure if enough people refuse to use the self checkout, they'll eventually get rid of the damn things. It's futile, though, I know. I missed my train for one, and I imagine that most people will eventually give in. Corporate efficiency and cost-saving are, after all, achieved by making you believe you have a choice when, in fact, as Lynn Truss points out, all you're really being offered is a set of pre-determined options, none of which are necessarily what you need.

l'étranger

My first Christmas present - yay! Dinner at L'Etranger, Jerome Tauvron's sleek French-Asian restaurant in Kensington (http://www.etranger.co.uk). I know what you're thinking: "But Fusion is so passé!" But I assure you, no stacks, no poncey lemongrass spears in sight, just some fantastic ingredients served in simple, but elegant dishes in sleek and cozy surroundings. And their bread is really nice. Being unable to resist, I scoffed nearly a whole basket and was so stuffed by the end that I didn't even have room for dessert, which let me tell you, is very rare.

Sadly, it felt rather rude to take pictures of my food, so no visuals this time. But the Tuna Spring Roll with Ginger and Coriander was excellent - tender, pink tuna steak all wrapped up in crisp nori and rice paper. And then the restaurant's signature dish, Caramelised Black Cod with Miso, which was really something else...... melt-in-your mouth fillet of black cod infused with teriyaki and a miso dipping sauce, accompanied by the most amazing black sesame sushi rice ever.

As I said, can't comment on desserts (though they sound yummy!), due to my earlier over-indulgence in carbohydrates, and their peppermint tea was very strong and quite bitter by the second cup. But otherwise, well worth trying to convince someone to take you there!!