Why I hate banks...

Quite frankly, what is there to like about banks? True, they're full of money, but most of it isn't yours anyway, and the effort that you have to go through to get to that infinitesimal fraction that is actually yours is enough to make you wish society still functioned on a bartering system... Why I hate banks:

1. They're full of other people going through the same painful experience to get to their money, and they're usually in front of you. And if they're behind you, then they're probably just as annoyed that you're in front of them as you are that the other people are in front of you.
2. Not unlike Sainsbury's Central (see The self-checkout), they have a dozen cashier windows, 10 of which are usually un-staffed, as if to demonstrate the potential for efficiency, if only they could be bothered to employ enough staff to actually 'serve' customers.
3. I use the term 'serve' advisedly, for banks very rarely provide the customer with what they actually asked for.
4. Conversely, banks seem to be very good at offering you stuff you don't want, and being very patronizing when you tell them that you don't want it.

Let me illustrate: I recently wrote my penultimate cheque (yes, I do, on occasion, still write cheques). Now, my cheque book says that once I get to my last five cheques, a new book should be sent to me automatically. Yeah, right.... My bank's website also says that if I need to order a new cheque book, I should go to my bank branch and order one. So I go to the bank, wherein I decide I should ask if I can order a cheque book at the cashier, or whether I should wait for a personal banker. The bank, after all, has a very helpful reception/triage desk for general queries. Or at least it would be helpful, if only there were anyone there... So then I figure, well, the line's not too long, so I'll just queue up for a cashier. Eventually, I reach the window, whereupon the following exchange ensues:

CCT: "Hi, I need a new cheque book. Can I order one here?"
Cashier 5: "A cheque book? You can call customer services...."
CCT thinks: "But I'm in a bank, why should I have to call customer services...?"
Cashier 5: "Have you had a cheque book before?"
CCT thinks: "Umm... I just told you I need a NEW cheque book... does this woman think I've gone twenty-some years without ever having written a cheque?!?"
CCT: "Yes, I have."
Cashier 5: "Oh, then maybe I can order one for you."
CCT thinks: "Eh?? *maybe* you can order one for me??"
Cashier 5 : "Do you have your card?"
CCT hands over his bank card. Cashier 5 proceeds to punch keys on her computer.
Cashier 5 (still staring at her screen and randomly punching keys): "Do you have a mortgage?"
CCT thinks: "Eh?"
CCT (thinking he's misunderstood): "I'm sorry?"
Cashier 5: "Do you have a mortgage?"
CCT: "Erm... no, I don't."
Cashier 5: "Are you likely to want a mortgage?"
CCT thinks: "You mean for that house I'm not likely to buy?"
CCT: "No, I'm not."
Cashier 5 (looking up now, with an expression of incredulity, as if that's the most absurd thing she's ever heard anyone say: "Are you sure??"
CCT thinks: "Are you on drugs??"
CCT: Yes, I'm sure.
Cashier 5: "OK, well, never mind."
CCT thinks: "Never mind???"
Cashier 5: "OK, that's done. Your cheque book should be with you in seven to 10 days."
CCT: "Erm... thank you!"
CCT hauls ass out of bank before someone offers him life insurance....

And if you think I'm over-reacting, let me assure you that banks aren't the only places to take ever-increasing liberties with their customer relations. How's this for random: I'm at the cashier at WHSmith paying for a copy of The Saturday Guardian, and the guy goes: "Are you a fan of Harry Potter?" And I'm thinking: "Do I look like I'm 12, or are you hitting on me...?" Seriously, it's confusing! And in another store: "Are you OK there, buddy?" "Erm... who are you calling 'buddy'?!?"

Since when is it OK for businesses to treat people with such disingenuousness? I'm all for exchanging greetings, odd platitudes and smiles, but I'm not your buddy, and quite frankly, it's none of your business if I like Harry Potter or not....