Maison Bertaux

Reportedly, this Soho institution on 33 Greek Street, London W1D 5DD, was one of the first patisseries to make it across the Channel to London sometime in the Sixties. I imagine the furniture has been there since the Sixties, too; the decor is, well, let's just say it has "character". Although not renowned for variety ("what's that?" "It's apple and almond cake". "And that?" "That's citrus tart." "Oh, and what about that one?" "That's apple and almond cake" "And that one there?" "That's another apple and almond cake".....), a limited range of scrumptious quiches, croissants, pastries and marzipan is temptingly displayed on the window, and they all taste as good as they look.

Before you rush headlong into the place, however, there are a few things you should know. Your experience will be much enhanced if you know how the place works. First of all, you do not choose a table. You ask politely if there's a table you could possibly, if it's not too much trouble, occupy. Secondly, you order before you sit down. Thirdly, and most importantly, do not, on any account, even think of asking for an espresso. The place doesn't serve espresso. How can you not know that? They haven't served espresso in the forty-some years since they've been there. What's wrong with you? As an example, borne of personal experience, I offer this personal exchange. It was all going so well, and then.....:

French guy: "What would you like to drink?"
Me: "I'll have an espresso, please."
French guy (under his breath): "You wish...."
Me: "Uh. I'm sorry?"
French guy (clearly thinking, "You don't know how things work here, do you?"): "I said, 'You wish'. We don't do cappuccino, espresso that kind of thing. Only filter coffee."
Me: "Erm... I'll have a mint tea, please...."

Granted, I don't have a particularly good record with staff at Franco-Italian coffee houses. There was this particularly perplexing exchange at nearby Amato (who, by the way, doesn't spit on the idea of espresso machiatto) with their nasty skank byotch of a French attendant (who, thankfully, doesn't seem to work there any more):

Me (at the cake counter, pointing to various items): "Excuse me, what are these?"
French NSB (scowling): "They're cakes."
Me (thinking, "Oh, this was a good start....."): "What kind of cakes?"
French NSB (apparently bewildered): "They're all different kinds of cakes. Tell me which one you want and I'll tell you what it is."
Me (pointing randomly): "Ermmm.... I'll have that one."

Oh, now there's one final, crucial thing you must remember. Should you wish to purchase some food at Bertaux to go, or should you, say, happen to be given some for whatever reason.... it is imperative that you ask for a plastic carrier bag. Do not, under any circumstances, walk out of the shop with your purchases in a paper bag. It has been conclusively proven that their paper bags lack the necessary structural integrity. And you wouldn't want to experience total bag rupture as you're getting off the bus at 3am on Wellington Road now, would ya?

Mushroom quiche and ham and cheese croissant, thankfully rescued from complete structural bag failure by precocious use of plastic carrier bag, thus pre-empting the need to implement the "5-second rule"